Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
