I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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