He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
