Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
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Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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