Got a toothbrush?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
