I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
