hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.