i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
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My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth