Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
