I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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