I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You've changed since you got that strap on
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The air taste purple.
Randomize
