The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
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Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize