it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
