obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How external is "for external use only"?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
