If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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