Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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