He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
