that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
