just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
