Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
