dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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