I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
