I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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