trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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