about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
