I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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