please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
