I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
