So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
