Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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