everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
