The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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