Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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