I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
