My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
