Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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