I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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