I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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