I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
