If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
