i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
