I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
