hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
