I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize