I wish I could teleport
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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