Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
