Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.