he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
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i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
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I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.