his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.