i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
