since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
