Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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