i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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