Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
