It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
