you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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